We have been pretty quiet on Two Country Dykes over the past week or so. It’s not because we didn’t have things to write about–it’s because we are moving.
El Pinata de la Cock is moving with us!
That’s right, the Two Country Dykes are moving off our half acre and into the town of Hood River (population 7,000 or so) where spandex rules and Jack curses. We are packing and downsizing. Packing is a breeze compared to the pain that Mz. Zling feels as she sorts and culls. I try to offer constructive help along the lines of “Fuck, no, no, no, we don’t need those rocks. Please don’t make me move rocks.” We don’t think we’re going to change the name of the blog but it’s pretty clear that the content will change. But one thing that won’t change is the weekly dick round-up. So haul your asses up on that horse and let’s round ‘em up.
I want to say something good about the state of Mississippi but I’m unable to. I’m sure it’s a beautiful state and there are wonderful and smart people living there, but unfortunately Mississippi State Rep. Bubba Carpenter (R) is not one of them.
Bubba
Bubba (and no, I’m not making this up but cue in the dueling banjos) voted to require doctors at abortion clinics to have admitting privileges at a local hospital. This bill was passed and signed by the governor. This is just one more slimy attack on women’s rights, because most doctors that perform abortions in Mississippi fly in from Alabama (now there’s another progressive state), and of course they are not going to get admitting privileges in Mississippi. Right now there is just one clinic–that’s right, just one– in Mississippi that performs abortions (along with many other health care services). Here’s what Bubba had to say about abortion in Mississippi. “Dick” is almost too mild a word to describe Bubba. You’ll have to follow the link to actually hear him because the Alcorn Mississippi GOP disabled the ability for folks to embed this video. Why is that? But the most salient part is his last line: “I think for one time we were first in the nation, in the state of Mississippi, for doing something good–we sure were.”
Gay Marriage, is that term ringing a bell? Last week the nation seemed to be suffering from a severe case of bipolarism. First North Carolina voted to constitutionally outlaw same-sex marriage, domestic partnerships (not just for queers but for everyone) and civil unions. That was really depressing and then–whoosh, there’s President Obama saying “I think same-sex couples should be able to get married.” Unfuckingbelievable. Now will anything come out of the President’s statement? I don’t know. But for me just the fact that he said that is huge. Meanwhile, back on planet Earth, specifically the state of Colorado, folks who want to do the right thing have been trying to get a bill passed which would legalize same-sex civil unions. They’re not pushing for the sacred ritual of marriage but simply a civil union. It was a close vote but justice and equity were defeated. And to really make the pain even worse Rep. Don Coram (R) was the deciding vote. Why should we single out Coram for dickdom? Oh could it be because his son is openly gay? How fucked up is that? Really fucked up. Coram’s irrational rationale was this: “I’m concerned that the gay community is being used as a political pawn. For four years we had a Democrat governor, a Democrat House and a Democrat senate. The issue never came up. It only came up when we got a split house. I think that’s wrong.” No, what’s wrong is that your vote says that your son is not deserving of full and equal rights.
Results of a scientific survey recently released by the University of Washington Institute for the Study of Ethnicity, Race & Sexuality make it pretty clear that members of the Tea Party hold racist views. Most Tea Party members deny that they are racist. But wait, if you hold racist views doesn’t that make you a racist? Yes it does, and it makes you the Dick Bag Party. Here are some of the findings from that survey: only 35% of Tea Party members believe Blacks are hardworking, only 45 % believe Blacks are intelligent and only 41% think that Blacks are trustworthy. And it’s not just African Americans that incur such racism. The survey showed that just 54% of white Tea Party supporters believe Latinos to be hardworking, only 44% think Latinos are intelligent, and only 42% believe Latinos to be trustworthy. And it’s not just race that gets these dicks swollen with fear and anger because only 36% think gay and lesbian couples should be allowed to adopt children, and just 17% are in favor of same-sex marriage. So I’m thinking that this week’s headline– Whites Account for Under Half the Births in the United States –have gotten these dirt bags in a frenzy of fear. I guess we are going to have to rethink that word “minority.”
Most people know that the Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas is a hate group. Yup the whole frigging church is classified as a hate group. The members of this church (and I use that word loosely) are mostly the family members of the big dick pastor, Fred Phelps. These whack-jobs (and I don’t use that word loosely) hate queers. In fact their website is godhatesfags.com. They travel around the country picketing the funerals of service men and women based on their insane belief that “Our attitude toward what’s happening with the war is that the Lord is punishing this evil nation for abandoning all moral imperatives that are worth a dime.” They picket outside Jewish organizations and consider most religions to be devil worship. I have stood toe-to-toe with these fucking dicks on many occasions and it is hard to see the children standing proudly with signs like the ones in this picture. To me it’s child abuse. So we will never have Westboro in the running for Dick of the Week because they would win every time. But check this out, yesterday the Westboro wingnuts were outside Washburn University in Topeka Kansas with their usual array of hateful signs. Nine year-old Josef Miles was driving by with his mother, asked her to stop, wrote his own sign and took a stand. Way to go, Josef.
So we’ve got one hero to celebrate, and three candidates for Dick of the Week. Go ahead and cast your vote.
Last night I went to bed feeling really sad and slightly hopeless. I had been reading about the election in North Carolina where Amendment 1 was overwhelmingly approved with a spread of 61% to 39%. That’s a huge amount of people that decided that my rights could be decided at the ballot box. They voted to put into the North Carolina Constitution that marriage was between a man and a woman.
This amendment not only defines what marriage is but also eliminates all domestic partnerships and civil unions, homosexual and heterosexual, that were legal in North Carolina. As one of the supporters of this fucked up bill said “We are not anti-gay; we are pro-marriage. And the point — the whole point — is simply that you don’t rewrite the nature of God’s design for marriage based on the demands of a group of adults.”
Ahh, the old God’s design rationale. That thinking does not hold water, holy or otherwise. If you believe that God made everyone, then God made me a big old dyke. Obviously I’m part of the heavenly design. And then think about poverty, genocide, child abuse; with that rationale all these things are part of the divine plan.
So this morning I’m talking with our oldest daughter, Coyote, and she was sad about the passage of the law but she was not hopeless. She felt that history moves in waves and that this antiquated view of how things should be, according to emails received from God, is on the decline. She feels that these defeats only make us stronger and that the vote last night will galvanize right thinking people into becoming more active in working towards equality for all. God, I hope she’s right.
I love this song. It’s the PS22 Chorus from Staten Island New York singing with Matishyahu who wrote the song, One Day.
all my life I’ve been waiting for
I’ve been praying for
for the people to say
that we don’t wanna fight no more
there’ll be no more wars
and our children will play
I love words. I love the cleverness (in my own mind) I can create with well crafted sentences. I love learning new words that I usually butcher with my East Coast pronunciation. And I love playing Boggle with my OCD artist friend Mar. Yes, her favorite book is the Scrabble Dictionary. She hides her nerdiness by pasting old covers of trash lesbian novels on the dictionary’s cover.
Back in the day, I’d sit in the bathroom memorizing every word and definition in the “Increase Your Vocabulary” feature in the Readers Digest magazines my mother kept in the bathroom. My father’s choice of reading matter was more along the lines of True, Saga and Man’s Life–which probably helped to craft my “oh, beautiful woman being attacked by crazed crabs, I will save you” lesbian mentality. I don’t underestimate the power of words.
Living in rural Oregon I occasionally hear a word or phrase that baffles me, like bucking hay. I visualize someone straddling a bale of hay and hooting and hollering. Wrong–it means to stack the bales not ride ‘em. Then there’s the chicken dip game. So you’re driving down the road and coming towards you in the other lane is a friend of yours. Instead of beeping your horn or tipping your John Deere hat you actually dip into the other lane and they do the same. How fucked up is that? Last year the chicken dip game resulted in a fatal crash up here in The Big Valley.
Last week I heard a word that I thought was no longer used in conversation. I was talking to our neighbor (she who inherited our chickens) and she was talking about buying another horse. She thought the seller was asking too high of a price and she was going to have to jewdown him.
No, she couldn’t have just said jewdown (out of her mouth it was one word). No, I must have misunderstood. But then she said it again. I was stunned into silence (cue in the chorus of Jack, silent? Impossible!). Chicken lady kept talking and my mind was moving fast through possible responses but I stayed silent and left with my head spinning.
I came home and told Mz. Zling about my conversation and she said “well, what did you say?” I was so ashamed to tell her I said nothing. But the fucking fates were with me and I had a chance to redeem myself. A few days later I was talking with a guy at the Parkdale Post Office (one of my regular haunts). He was driving a very cool 1952 Ford Pick-Up. He was telling me about the work he had done on it and how he had jewdowned the seller. Silent no more!
“What? What did you say?” I asked. “Did you actually say you ‘jewdowned’ the guy selling the truck? What does that mean?”
He looked at me like I was from another country. He started to stammer.
“You know, jewdown, get it cheap.”
Ahh, a teachable moment. Here I would employ my clever sentence structure and help him see the light (or maybe not).
“What kind of asshole are you?” I asked, taking advantage of the teachable moment. “We don’t say jewdown. We say we got a good deal.”
He stared at me. “That’s what I said,” he said. And off he drove while, once again employing all my verbal and non-verbal skills, I flipped him off.
Yes, I could have done a better job of explaining to Truck Guy how racist his words were but at least I wasn’t silent.
It’s Friday and that can only mean a couple of things. If it were the 1960s (or before) and you were Catholic, then Friday meant fish for supper. But here on our half acre, Friday means it must be time for the weekly dick round-up. Sometimes dickdom extends into the lives of many …Continue readingDick of the Week Round-Up: May 4, 2012
It’s Friday and usually here on our half acre we pull up our chaps, spin our spurs, unleash our lariats and do the Dick of the Week Round-Up. It’s not a hard job finding dicks–they’re everywhere. They come in all genders, colors and creeds. If you hear about a law to strip away …Continue readingDick of the Week Round-Up: April 27, 2012
I heard Dinah Shore and I obeyed. Of course, I didn’t follow in Dinah’s tire tracks when she founded the Colgate Dinah Shore Golf Tournament in 1972 (which is now one of the four major golf tournaments on the LPGA Tour). That golf tournament remains one of the holy sites for lesbians but …Continue readingArizona on my Mind
It’s Friday and that can only mean one thing–it’s time to put on our spurs, coil up our lariats and round up some dicks all while singing the theme song to Rawhide. And please refrain from dancing on the tables.
Nah, Two Country Dykes didn’t win a Pulitzer Prize but our friend Matt Wuerker, who designed the logo for our blog, just won the Pulitzer for Editorial Cartooning. How cool is that? He won the award for “his consistently fresh, funny cartoons, especially memorable for lampooning the partisan conflict that engulfed Washington.” …Continue readingIt’s a Pulitzer
Conversations about penises don’t often rise up around our half acre. Mz. Zling and I are currently talking about the crocuses finally poking up after the long, hard winter, and how the kale seems to be thriving in spite of the sunless skies, or how the garlic tops are sprouting through the soil. …Continue readingThe Pen Is Mighty
When Mz. Zling (MZ) and I decided to start the blog we knew I would be doing most of the writing and she would be doing most of the editing and techno stuff. Well, she has kept up her end of the bargain but me, despite my promises of being consistent with posting …Continue readingDick of the Week Round-Up: April 13, 2012
The Bloggess
Trust us, she’s a fucking riot with a no-holds-barred approach to her life. Nothing is sacred, thank God.
The Maddow Blog
If you missed her show or just want to keep up with her thoughts on the news of the day, this is the place.
Think Progress
Provides a progressive lense to view important news stories
Towleroad
It’s been described as the Gay CNN. Stays current, and we like that.
Links
Matt Wuerker
Our favorite cartoonist, Matt designed our logo. Check out his daily cartoon from Politico.
Our Blog Guru Kathleen
She and Jack are BFFs and they once thought about creating a blog named Jack and the Bean talk. She’s our go to and get it done techie.
the big dick pastor, Fred Phelps. These whack-jobs (and I don’t use that word loosely) hate queers. In fact their website is godhatesfags.com. They travel around the country picketing the funerals of service men and women based on their insane belief that “Our attitude toward what’s happening with the war is that the Lord is punishing this evil nation for abandoning all moral imperatives that are worth a dime.” They picket outside Jewish organizations and consider most religions to be devil worship. I have stood toe-to-toe with these fucking dicks on many occasions and it is hard to see the children standing proudly with signs like the ones in this picture. To me it’s child abuse. So we will never have Westboro in the running for Dick of the Week because they would win every time. But check this out, yesterday the Westboro wingnuts were outside Washburn University in Topeka Kansas with their usual array of hateful signs. Nine year-old Josef Miles was driving by with his mother, asked her to stop, wrote his own sign and took a stand.
Way to go, Josef.
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